Complaining Without Accusations
The art of complaining is a necessary skill set for the success of your marriage. The union of a husband and wife from two different backgrounds will inevitably result in disagreements and disappointments from time to time. If we are not equipped to handle these situations properly we will end up destroying the trust & intimacy of the relationship.
Most couples express their dissatisfaction with one another by assuming ill intentions. The fact of the matter is, that none of us can determine the intention of the other. We can only assume, and there's a high possibility that we are incorrect. So if we are going to be successful we must put ourselves in a position to avoid being accusatory and offensive.
Well, how do we go about doing this properly? Well, I'm glad you asked. Let's assume your spouse embarrassed you during a gathering by telling an inappropriate joke about your cooking and it offended you. The natural thing to do at some point is to have a conversation about what happened. In many cases, this will turn into an argument where harsh statements and accusations are made. You sure wanted to embarrass me, maybe one such statement. I know you don't like my cooking and you couldn't wait to tell your family about it, that could be another statement.
The fact is, your spouse did embarrass you and you don't like it, but the truth is, you don't know their intention. If we're going to be successful in resolving our differences while preserving the trust and intimacy of our relationship, we will need to eliminate accusations and move toward complaints. An accusation is a finger-pointing battle that will never end well. People make mistakes and they need to be called out on those mistakes, but there is a way to do so while preserving their dignity.
If we truly love each other, this is a skill set we must develop. 1 Corinthians 13:4 tells us that love is patient, and kind and does not keep a record of wrongs. So how do we live this out in the face of being done wrong? It's all found in the art of complaining, and every married couple must make room for their spouse to call a meeting to complain without fear of being punished for doing so.
So what should this look like when this conversation is happening? It should look like you saying that when this inappropriate conversation occurred, it made you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. So what you are in essence doing, is letting your spouse know that their actions resulted in your feelings being negatively impacted. You didn't accuse them, there was no name-calling or finger-pointing. You simply told them, when you did this, it had this specific effect on me and I didn't like it.
Now where do we go from here? Now it's up to your spouse to say I'm sorry and you can then ask them for some reassurance that it won't happen again. You can ask the question, how can we avoid something like this in the future? The goal of having this skill set in your tool bag is to resolve issues while preserving the peace & intimacy of your marriage. We all make mistakes, but we don't have to destroy what we have built because of those mistakes.
Joel Ross
