Pillar Of Intimacy #1(Mutual Respect)
The first of four pillars of intimacy is mutual respect. Without mutual respect, the relationship will not begin its journey towards emotional intimacy. The four pillars of intimacy are mutual respect, common goals, tolerance, and communication. Many relationships lack mutual respect in one way or another, and it negatively affects the growth of that couple's intimacy. If most of us are honest with ourselves, we will see the areas in our behavior where we can grow in our respect for our spouse. Sherilyn and I once counseled a woman who was not aware of her natural tendency to disrespect her husband. She came from a family where her father was in and out of her life, her grandfather was unfaithful to her grandmother, and her uncles had multiple children out of wedlock with different women. As we were discussing her family history with her, she began to confess to us that she realized that she has very little respect and faith in the opposite sex. Even though her husband came from a dual-parent home and he was patiently fighting for their marriage, she just could not disconnect her belief system from who he was as a person. It was not until she recognized and confessed her fears and changed her disposition that she was able to show him the respect he deserved, and they began to move forward. You see, people will not be quick to set goals with people they don't respect. We will not demonstrate tolerance for people we don't respect. And we certainly will not patiently and effectively communicate with a spouse we do not respect. Because intimacy is built on all four of those pillars, we must slow down to speed up by taking inventory of ourselves as our friend did as she discovered she needed to work on respect, in order to show him the respect he deserved and they began to move forward. You see, people will not be quick to set goals with people they don't respect. We will not demonstrate tolerance for people we don't respect. And we certainly will not patiently and effectively communicate with a spouse we do not respect. Because intimacy is built on all four of those pillars, we must slow down to speed up by taking inventory of ourselves as our friend did as she discovered she needed to work on respect.
Joel Ross.
Pillar Of Intimacy #2(Common Goals)
We established in pillar number one that no one will ever be excited to set goals with someone they don't respect or someone they don't feel respects them. Today I'd like us to focus on the pillar of common goals. When we agree on something and develop a goal around it we are exposing the fact that we have a similar value system working for us. The ability to come together and establish goals in every area of our life will begin to close the door to disunity and invite the blessings and favor of God into our lives. Matthew 18:19 tells us that when two of us agree about anything we ask for it will be done for us by the Father in heaven. Amos 3:3 asks the famous question, can two walk together unless they agree? Well, the truth is they can't.
The very first area that I believe every Christian couple should agree on is that they will do marriage according to the word of God. Once that is the foundation on which they agree to build, the process becomes simple for them. Imagine playing a game of basketball with a friend and they decide to play by a different set of rules than you. It's safe to say that conflict will be very prevalent during this game. As a matter of fact, you guys will do more fighting than playing. This is the way many marriages operate, simply because they refuse to establish common goals on which the marriage will be established. Another tremendous common goal I believe every marriage should implement is found in Ephesians 5:21, which says to submit one to another out of reverence for Christ. These are timeless principles that we must commit to coming to an agreement with. When we do, our decision will then establish a sense of security and safety that begins to pave the way for great emotional intimacy.
Growth
If you can agree on growth being a top priority in your marriage, your marriage will take off in a big way. Every marriage should invest in reading one new marriage book annually, attending a marriage conference or retreat, and listening to a solid Christian base podcast regularly. Romans 12:2 tells us, do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind. Sherilyn and I have counseled many married couples and we have seen a tremendous difference between those that work on growth and those that refuse to do the work. Renewal of the mind is directly connected to the breakthrough you are looking for in your marriage and family. Hosea 4:6 tells us that the people of God are destroyed for a lack of knowledge, However, Proverbs 11:9b tells us that it is through knowledge that the just shall be delivered. Growth is a mandatory common goal for every marriage. Many things are optional, but this is not one of them.
There is a host of things that you will want to do and accomplish together and individually. Make sure that you are both in full agreement on those things before you implement them. Living this way will certainly move you towards great emotional intimacy and you will experience a slice of heaven on earth in your marriage.
Joel Ross
Pillar Of Intimacy #3 (Tolerance)
Tolerance in marriage is about our awareness of the differences in our God-given design while respecting those differences. It's about our ability to leverage the strengths of those differences while recognizing that we don't need to change our spouse in order to get along or work better with them. Tolerance is also graceful and patient when there is a legitimate need for change. Tolerance is a function of knowledge and awareness of who we are, and a willingness to learn and implement God's plan for our marriage. Ephesians 5:21 tells us to submit one to another out of reverence for Christ. In other words, God knows and understands our design better than we do and he is instructing us according to His divine understanding to be tolerant and collaborative.
That being said let's look at some of the areas of our design that can cause us much grief if we don't educate ourselves on those differences. Personality types vary and I can guarantee you that you are married to someone with a completely different personality type than yours. In my marriage my wife is considered a D/I personality, this means that she is a direct and interactive personality type. She is first very strong-willed and assertive while simultaneously possessing a very outgoing fun-loving personality. I on the other hand carry a steady and outgoing personality, S/I. The steadiness in my personality can tend to be a bit frustrating to Sherilyn because I need time to process things while Sherilyn is ready for a decision, plan, and action. If it was not for tolerance, it would be a very tense and dysfunctional relationship. Apart from personality differences our gender requires different things. The needs of men are different from the needs of women. The Love language of your spouse will most likely not be the same as yours. Your apology language will most likely be different and so will your money language and sex needs. So why am I highlighting all of these things? Because it is important that you know that there is a lot to learn about your spouse in order to show tolerance towards them. God shows this type of tolerance towards us daily. He never yells at us or mistreats us when we don't get it and when we are off course. He simply asks us to go get knowledge because he knows once revelation comes, we will grow. 2 Peter 3:9 says "9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead, he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance".
We are to be patient with each other as God is with us because tolerance will always pull on patience to get the job done.
Joel Ross
Pillar Of Intimacy #4 (Communication)
Before diving head-on into the topic of communication, let's look at some scriptures that will galvanize our hearts around God's intention for proper communication. Proverbs 15:1 tells us that a soft answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger. Psalm 141:3 says, set a guard o Lord over my mouth keep watch over the doors of my lips. As we look at both of those scriptures, we see that the mouth can be a source of great trouble so we must always use with it caution.
Now that all of the other pillars of intimacy are in place you will both have the energy and momentum necessary to put the necessary work into effectively communicating with each other. Mutual respect, common goals, and tolerance being the first three pillars, makes it much easier to attain. The pillar of communication is the key tool you will need to advance the establishment of your emotional intimacy. With every word spoken and every gesture demonstrated, you must always make sure you are building up and not tearing down the relationship.
There is a lot to consider when communicating. I'm sure I will not cover it all but I do want to highlight some key points. The number one need for every man is respect and the number one need for every woman is security. That being said, we must make sure as husbands that our words are delivered in a package of security, and wives must make sure their words are delivered in a package of respect. Being aware of each other's design, temperament and needs is the key to communicating to effectively advance your relationship's intimacy. Once you know better you will do better and you will reap the benefit of being educated in this area of your life. We all need to be understood by our spouses, and when we are understood our communication will be better. Another key point that I would like to make is the importance of listening to each other for understanding. Before responding to what has been said, ask questions for clarity. Once we get the full picture of what our spouse is saying to us, now we can respond from a place of understanding, empathy, and compassion.
Temperaments and personality types will play a huge role in how we communicate. Even though I will not go into detail about the different personality types I will say you must get acquainted with your and your spouse's personality. A great book for you both to read would be Personality Plus by Florence Littauer. Do the assessment in that book and discover your personality, its strengths, and weaknesses. Also, get very familiar with your spouse's personality and the nuances around it. When it comes to communication in marriage, we have to become very clinical. You are not going to succeed in marriage with a casual approach in this area. Growth will play a tremendous role in our ability to execute everything that has been shared here. If there are areas of brokenness in you be prepared to struggle with communication until you grow yourself.
Rejection, abandonment, and low self-esteem will undermine anyone's ability to effectively communicate. There is a lot to consider when we begin to discuss this topic, but what I would like to bring to your attention is the fact that you will fight for growth in your ability to communicate if you have mutual respect, tolerance, and common goals with your spouse. Once the incentives are there you are more likely to Put in the work to overcome your shortcomings. So as Psalm 19:14 advised us "Let the words of your mouth and the meditation of your heart be acceptable in the sight of your Lord, your rock and redeemer"
Joel Ross
Trust God And Love Each Other
Disappointment comes from having unrealistic expectations. Today I'd like to bring to your attention some wisdom that God has already made clear in his word that will assist you in setting the proper expectations for your marriage. Putting your trust in God while loving your spouse is a recipe for Success & great peace.
I've seen too many couples place all of their hopes in the hands of their husband or wife only to be terribly disappointed. In their mind the spouse should not disappoint them or make mistakes. And instead of building great intimacy they end up building nothing but resentment against one another.
Jeremiah 17:5-8 tells us 5 Thus says the Lord“Cursed is the man who trusts in man And makes flesh his strength,
Whose heart departs from the Lord. 6 For he shall be like a shrub in the desert,And shall not see when good comes,But shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness,In a salt land which is not inhabited.“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,And whose hope is the Lord. 8 For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, Which spreads out its roots by the river, And will not fear when heat comes;But its leaf will be green, And will not be anxious in the year of drought, Nor will cease from yielding fruit.
This scripture makes it super clear that it's a curse to put our trust in a human, even if that human is your spouse. They will let you down simply because they are not God. But this scripture Goes on to tell us that our trust is to be put in God and when we do the rewards are tremendous.
We are limited in our ability to guarantee things and because that is a fact of life we should never put the burden on anyone to do only what God is supposed to do. It's too much pressure for them & they will resent you for it. Loving them however, is the greatest gift you can give them.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 tells us that
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
I remember calling my wife to tell her I was about ten minutes away from home as she was waiting to have dinner with me. About five minutes later I discovered that the bridge close to my house was out and I needed to turn around and detour four miles in the other direction to get home. A simple 10 minute trip turned into a twenty five minute trip and my wife was stuck waiting on me while our dinner got cold.
The moral of my story is that I had good intentions to be home when I said I would, but because I am not the all knowing God I couldn't foresee that the bridge was out. A few short mins after making a promise, I broke that promise. It certainly was not my intention but it happened anyway. It was the love of my wife that caused us to have a good dinner regardless. Because her trust was not in my ability to guarantee I'd be home in ten minutes.
She leaned on love and it allowed her to be patient and kind just like it says in 1 Corinthians 13:4. If we want to live the abundant married life free of stress, we're gonna have to learn how to trust in God while loving our spouse. Love is a grace giving process that will always foster an athmosphere of peace. We need to live like this because it is the Will of God.
Joel Ross
Fear Is Destroying Your Relationship
Fear is often accompanied by behaviors that can often be misinterpreted as unrelated. Some of those behaviors are anger, retaliation, offense, violence, and even murder. According to the word of God, fear is a spirit, and it runs with others who assist in its mission to steal kill, and destroy your marriage. If you think that your communication issues are only communication issues think again. Most communication issues stem from a place of fear.
The Bible tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7, for God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power love, and a sound mind. If God did not give us this spirit of fear, who did? Satan is the mastermind behind that spirit of fear and he hopes that you never find out, just so that we are clear on this. But the scripture didn't stop there, it continues to give revelation. The text says instead of fear, God gives power, love, and a sound mind.
So, it is very clear to me that whenever fear is in our hearts, we will lose power, soundness of mind, and our ability to love. Many of us are afraid of intimacy in marriage because it requires transparency and vulnerability. Some men are chauvinistic, and we are afraid of being taken advantage of by our wives if we treat them as equals. Some of us are simply broken and unprepared on the inside and we don't want to be exposed so we act tougher than we are out of fear of looking inadequate. The source of your fear will always determine the behavior or spirit you employ to hide that fear. Many marriages are experiencing breakdowns in communication and fighting, but the source of the problem is fear.
During a counseling session with a husband, he revealed to me that he was intimidated by his wife's success and felt as if he was a failure because he was not as educated, disciplined, or driven as she was. He never shared this with his wife, but he did argue with her a lot and made sure that he resisted her ideas and suggestions. While the wife was thinking they had a communication issue, they actually had an issue of fear in the heart of the husband. According to 2 Timothy 1:7, Fear disables our ability to love the way God is commanding us to love. What is this God kind of love? 1 Corinthians 13:4- 8 tells us that Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails.
In the absence of love, we see impatience and an absence of kindness. A lot is going wrong when we see these things. This message is here mainly to open your eyes and bring awareness to the issue of fear that may be plaguing your marriage without you knowing. The solution to this problem is to get into the presence of God to establish an intimate relationship with Him. Our problem is not what we are facing with our spouse. Our real problem is that we do not know who we are in God. God has a way of fixing our identity, acceptance, security, and purpose as we spend intimate time with Him. This is the real solution to putting the spirit of fear to death.
1 John 4:18 tells us; There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. Every man must put himself in a position to heal and grow into exactly what God has intended for him to be. This is why I started a men's group called The Secret Place on Facebook. This is why we meet on Zoom every Tuesday at 9 pm for Bible study and prayer. We are the foundation of our family and community. If we are not doing well our families and society will face major problems.
Joel Ross
Why Men Are Not Seeing God's Favor In Their Life.
Most of us have been trained to work hard and be men who are never afraid to labor for our families. As honorable as that mindset is, most of us, however, have never been told to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all things will be added on to us. So why am I telling you this? The reason I'm telling you this is because it takes more than our worldly wisdom to experience God's best for our lives. The truth is, we need the Favor of God to experience God's best in every area of our life.
In this article, I'd like to focus on God's provision of favor to the married man, because He did set some special things in place just for us. We live in a culture today where men don't fear God. We live in a culture today where men don't believe in God. It is so unfortunate that we have been convinced by this world to isolate ourselves from our very own Father. The one who created us and already made provisions for us. Ephesians 1:3 says, Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ: according as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world. This is an exciting revelation because it tells us that we have already been provided for by God and it's only a matter of moving all of our spiritual blessings into our natural world. So how do we do this? How do we execute this transaction?
Proverbs 18:22 says he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. This text tells us that God has already made special provisions for the man who is in covenant with him concerning his wife. That special provision is called favor. The definition of the word favor is an act of kindness beyond what is due or usual. It is not something you've earned on your merit. God wants to bless you in ways that will not be understood by most people observing your life. So, the bottom line here is that you are qualified for this special treatment because you meet His requirement of being married to a wife. Like unemployment benefits, however, it is not redeemed automatically. If you lose your job, you are eligible to receive unemployment benefits because you are a citizen, but it will be released when you go through the application process online or at the unemployment office.
Redeeming this favor is very similar. Let me take you to the word of God to bring this home. 1 Peter 3:7 says, Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. So even though you have favor according to Proverbs 18:22 you still need to follow God's protocol in 1 Peter 3:7 to redeem the favor. Living with understanding will require us to chase after the knowledge of our wives.
She has needs that we must be aware of, she has a personality type that we must learn to work with. Our wife has a specific way she views money that we need to understand. Our wife has sex needs that are very different from the sex needs of a man. She is also evolving as she goes through life and these are all things, we are expected to keep up with to live with her, with understanding. Your wife at twenty years old without children is a different person after having a child. She is also much different after dealing with aging parents. Husbands must maintain a humble approach in this area of living with understanding. God is saying that our refusal to comply with His rules concerning this will absolutely one hundred percent hinder our prayers.
Being heirs together of the grace of life is a great benefit of being in the kingdom of God. If we choose to work together and work with understanding we become qualified as heirs of God's kingdom. Heirs don't labor, they are provided for by the king because they are part of the royal family. They experience life at a different level because of their position in that family. Why not participate in something you've been given an invitation to?
My question to us all is, why leave all that favor on the table because of disobedience?
Why not set the tone for God to bless your life and family with favor beyond your wildest imagination? Why not take advantage of this opportunity to love your wife the way God originally intended for you to love her? Why not earn the respect of your wife and children because of your willingness to humble yourself before your heavenly father? Today I'm going to challenge you to trust God to be the difference maker in your situation. He promised that He would do it if you had the faith to allow it to happen.
Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.
Complaining Without Accusations
The art of complaining is a necessary skill set for the success of your marriage. The union of a husband and wife from two different backgrounds will inevitably result in disagreements and disappointments from time to time. If we are not equipped to handle these situations properly we will end up destroying the trust & intimacy of the relationship.
Most couples express their dissatisfaction with one another by assuming ill intentions. The fact of the matter is, that none of us can determine the intention of the other. We can only assume, and there's a high possibility that we are incorrect. So if we are going to be successful we must put ourselves in a position to avoid being accusatory and offensive.
Well, how do we go about doing this properly? Well, I'm glad you asked. Let's assume your spouse embarrassed you during a gathering by telling an inappropriate joke about your cooking and it offended you. The natural thing to do at some point is to have a conversation about what happened. In many cases, this will turn into an argument where harsh statements and accusations are made. You sure wanted to embarrass me, maybe one such statement. I know you don't like my cooking and you couldn't wait to tell your family about it, that could be another statement.
The fact is, your spouse did embarrass you and you don't like it, but the truth is, you don't know their intention. If we're going to be successful in resolving our differences while preserving the trust and intimacy of our relationship, we will need to eliminate accusations and move toward complaints. An accusation is a finger-pointing battle that will never end well. People make mistakes and they need to be called out on those mistakes, but there is a way to do so while preserving their dignity.
If we truly love each other, this is a skill set we must develop. 1 Corinthians 13:4 tells us that love is patient, and kind and does not keep a record of wrongs. So how do we live this out in the face of being done wrong? It's all found in the art of complaining, and every married couple must make room for their spouse to call a meeting to complain without fear of being punished for doing so.
So what should this look like when this conversation is happening? It should look like you saying that when this inappropriate conversation occurred, it made you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. So what you are in essence doing, is letting your spouse know that their actions resulted in your feelings being negatively impacted. You didn't accuse them, there was no name-calling or finger-pointing. You simply told them, when you did this, it had this specific effect on me and I didn't like it.
Now where do we go from here? Now it's up to your spouse to say I'm sorry and you can then ask them for some reassurance that it won't happen again. You can ask the question, how can we avoid something like this in the future? The goal of having this skill set in your tool bag is to resolve issues while preserving the peace & intimacy of your marriage. We all make mistakes, but we don't have to destroy what we have built because of those mistakes.
Joel Ross